I haven't been to this space in a while. I find myself writing less and less yet craving those moments where if I don't get my thoughts out on paper, my head will surely explode and my soul literally aches. I must be a gluten for punishment. I think maybe I should get rid of my television.
I think too much. I know that most of the problems that I've cooked up in my own imagination are not real. I know that I am my own worst enemy. That I have more questions than answers about who I really am and what I'm capable of. That I look stupid when I'm sleeping on the couch because I feel misunderstood by the person laying in the nice, warm bed next to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm painfully obvious in my attempts to seem like I have my life put together and don't give a damn what anyone else thinks about it. But I don't have it together; I do care what people think. Really though, I feel like I'm grabbing at too many straws and they keep spilling out onto the floor. The more I try to fix my life, the more I realize what a bigger hole I've dug myself into.
When does one start feeling like they aren't racing at light speed into a target which is yet to be determined? I can't believe that I'm already considered to be in my late twenties, and I still feel like I'm palming around at the walls in a dark room. Does this get easier? Ever?
While I'm on this rambling tangent, I just want to say that I hate the phrase when you know, you just know. It actually even makes me sick to write it. I want to shake people who say that and tell them that they don't really know, they're just horny. But maybe they do know and I'm just bitter that I don't know yet. Maybe I secretly just wish I knew something, anything, about what I want. Maybe I just not so secretly hate that all my friends are getting engaged or having babies, while I'm stuck in the "I'm still figuring it all out" phase. This phase is like a bad love song on repeat.
I feel like love is such a huge risk. I thought I knew a lot of things when I was young and stupid and decided to marry my high school sweetheart. When we got divorced 3 years later, I realized that I didn't really know anything. And the memories of that relationship have been following me around like a bad habit ever since. No, I'm not still in love with my ex. What I mean is, I'm afraid to get too vulnerable with anyone because I'm not willing to feel that kind of hurt ever again. I'm not willing to let someone hold onto my heart or my feelings for any amount of time, because who wants to feel like that again? Not me. Shit, I'd rather be alone than feel like that.
That makes things especially tricky considering I've been in a relationship with the greatest guy I've ever known for the past year and a half. He is truly the only person in my whole life that's never been anything but exactly what he's said he was. The only person I've ever met who hasn't stabbed me in the back in some kind of way, or said he would be there when he really wasn't. But not even him, nope... he doesn't even get all the way in. And trust me, I make him jump some pretty crazy hoops.
This is the point of the post where I would normally start to clam up, however since it's just me and about 5 spammers who regulate this territory, I feel a false sense of security. That and the wine that's now going down like water. And the sappy music in the background.
But despite all odds, I'm still in this relationship and I haven't gone out of my way to sabotage it. I'm actually considering moving across the country with this person. And between me and you (you, you 5 spammers you), I am fucking scared about that. My fight or flight meter is off the radar right now. And it makes me want to start a silly argument about anything I can think of, just so I can tell him that I don't think we're meant to be. It makes me sick in my stomach.
Then I also remember how lucky I am to have a person in my life who asks how my day has been, reaches for my hand while we're sleeping, and has my back no matter what. I'm lucky because I have a really good friend in the person I'm dating. He's a really good person and I look up to him in a lot of ways.
The jury is still out. I don't know if this person is "the one" or not. And between me and you, I wish people would stop asking me when we're going to get married. Because I don't know if marriage is in my cards right now. If ever. But that doesn't mean that he isn't right. I don't know what it means, if I'm being honest, but I'm willing to try and figure it all out. We have really good days, and really awful days. But I guess nothing worth while comes without a lot of hard work, right?
Here's to picking up that shovel and continuing to dig, even if I don't know what I'm looking for. I'm sure I'll know when I find it.