I'm Choosing To Love My Body

Today was an emotional day for me. Every morning I leave my desk, change into an old tee, my yoga pants, and sneakers, and run for 3 miles. Some days are harder than others, some days I feel like I'm really kicking ass, and other days (like today) it's not even about running at all.

 

I've always had body issues. I know, I know. Join the club - isn't that part of being a woman in America... hating your body? Each day I start my morning examining every single dimple and bulge and flaw and I end my day re-examining and hating even more. It's exhausting. And furthermore, if another person dared to speak to me the way that I speak to myself I don't think that I would continue being around them.

 

In middle school I dated a boy for an entire year even though he was abusive. I ate saltines for lunch and I believed him when he told me that nobody would ever love me except for him, because I was ugly.

 

Even though I wore a size 0-2 jeans throughout high school, I still allowed people to make fun of my body, I still starved myself, and the hatred for my body continued to grow.

 

In college I abused my body by flooding it with alcohol and other drugs. I punished myself for every calorie that I "over-indulged" in. I took diet pills and settled on a certain way of life with certain people because... I was ugly.

 

I started exercising on a regular basis this year, because I was tired. Tired of hating my body, tired of allowing people to abuse my body, and tired of settling on unhealthy people because I didn't think I deserved any better. Not too long ago, I was having dinner with a close girlfriend and I said to myself "she's too pretty to be hanging out with you." I began thinking that I was embarrassing people because I was the "fat girl" in the group. I hated taking pictures because I didn't want to be reminded of how ugly I was or how fat I had gotten. I cringed when my boyfriend would grab my waste because "how could he love this body?".

 

I hope that as you are reading this, you are thinking how immature and idiotic this all sounds. I am not extremely overweight and even if I were, the people in my life are not there simply because of my pants size. My boyfriend doesn't date me because I can still fit into clothes at Forever21 or American Eagle. My friends don't enjoy my company because I count calories and restrict my diet. All of this negativity that has become so routine in my life has nothing to do with my body type. It has everything to do with myself and the journey that I need to complete not for anyone else, but for myself. The most important person in my whole entire world.

 

At first I started exercising because I was unhappy with the way that I looked. I was weighing myself on a daily basis, and if I wasn't losing 2 pounds a week you guessed it... I punished myself by cutting down every single flaw (real or imagined) and reminding myself that I just wasn't worth it.

 

But then it was really weird, because something a few weeks ago began to change. I stopped weighing myself and started running for a different reason - because I was pushing myself and seeing improvements in my health and in my endurance. I noticed that if I wanted to run a certain distance without stopping, I could push myself and I would achieve it. I noticed that if I chose to eat healthy meals and became more aware of what I was putting into my body, that I felt better and had more energy (also my daily headaches disappeared, added bonus!).

 

And then today, I was able to run outside for a much longer distance than I expected and rather than cutting myself down I whispered "You did it! You ran further than you thought you could! You're getting so much better!" Those words came out so naturally from my lips, and right there I realized that I wasn't doing this for anyone else anymore. I realized that I'm taking time out of my day to be healthy because I want that for myself and I deserve it.

 

It's so corny to say all of this out loud, but that positivity about my own body coming out so freely was overwhelming. I stopped for a moment and allowed myself to fill up with that positivity, and then I kept on pushing myself and running all the way back to my office. You see, it's not work anymore - it's finally, almost 3 months later, become a lifestyle that I commit to because I want to be healthy and for once it's all about me. It has nothing to do with anyone else, and that feels so good because it's been such a long time coming.

 

So I'm not going to allow myself to talk negatively about my body anymore because I wouldn't let anyone else talk to me that way. I don't care about the number on a scale, because no matter what that number is it does not change my worth as an individual. I'm going to start loving myself and treating myself like my very best friend... because if I don't love myself, why should I expect others to?

 

I think that women who are proud of their bodies are sometimes looked down upon in our society, and I'm over that. I'm sick of it being "okay" to hate your body. Hell - I love my body. My body can run several miles outside without stopping. My body gets me to and from work every morning and throughout every second of the day. My body gave up a kidney several years ago so that some one else's body could survive. My body can sing, and dance, and rest, and jump, and swim. I have a sexy ass!!! I can do anything with my body that I work for. And for that, I love my body.



Workout Diaries: VIII

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This week I totally kicked butt in the gym, and I can already tell that it's paying off!!! Dare I say that I actually don't dread gym time these days? I still don't love it.... but not hating it is nice!

To see past diary entries, >>> CLICK HERE <<<

Weightloss Goal & Pounds Lost To Date:

My goal is to lose a total of 60 pounds this year. So far I've lost a total of 6 pounds and this is only my third week! I was hoping that the beginning would show results pretty quickly, because I've made some drastic changes to my diet and I am active 5-6 days out of the week. I'm really, really proud of myself and as corny as it sounds I just wanted to say that if I can make these changes anyone can. Nobody hated working out or eating healthy more than me... and here I am 3 weeks later and I'm more motivated than ever. The confidence that I've had these past few weeks is unbelievable and only makes me want to continue!

What’s Keeping Me Motivated:

>> THIS << calorie counter is still keeping me right on track - seriously, you really have to check it out. I've found that I get really competitive with myself and that I like to see how many calories I can have left over by the end of the day. Before you get all that's so not healthy on me.... what I mean is that if I have 200 calories left after dinner, I usually don't use them up on a bowl of ice cream because I know now that if I go to sleep too full I just don't sleep as well. I also mean that if I see that my calories for the day are going to break even, that might be my push to eat an apple over a bag of chips, or it might be my push to go for a walk if I haven't been active all day. I really like that I'm challenging myself in this way, because it's made things fun for me. Since I know that I like to compete with myself now, I'm thinking about investing in either THIS or THIS -- so more to come on that later!

I'm also prepping for the (Love Rox) race next month and a 5k obstacle course race (Rugged Maniacs) in May. The last time I did a 10k I was able to finish in a hour in a half, and this year I'm going for even faster! If I want to jog more than half of that 10k, I need to train and so that's helping me to push myself even further in the gym. I know that I can jog the 5k no problem at this point, so next month I'm really going to focus on upper body strength which is going to be a totally new thing for me. The thought of a 3 mile obsticle course is really freaking me out, so I'm going to use that fear in the gym and turn it into motivation!

How I'm Staying Active:

I have been putting in 6 miles per day, 5 days out of the week. The first 3 miles are easy, because I walk to and from work (and those hills are definitely rocking my calf muscles!). Initially, I was splitting the other half of those miles up by jogging for the first mile, walking half a mile, jogging the second mile, and walking the last half mile (on the treadmill - March I start doing all of this outside!) This week was actually really awesome, because I am now able to run the first 2 miles without stopping -or dying!!!!- and then the last mile I walk/run as I feel comfortable. I don't think I've ever been able to do that much without stopping so that difference in my endurance has been really rewarding.

Healthy Foods I’ve Tried:

I haven't been cutting things out of my diet, and by doing that and still losing at least 2lbs a week I feel really good. Last Friday I had McDonald's for lunch and then I ordered pizza for dinner, and the rest of the weekend I was on track and a little more active that I usually am. So I think I'm finding a balance and that's my ultimate goal because this is a lifestyle change, not a crash diet.

 

With that said, I am starting to see my taste buds changing. I've never been a huge fan of fruit, but lately I've been reaching for strawberries, bananas, and grapes for breakfast or a quick snack before the gym. I'm eating a lot more vegetables that I ever have, and I actually like how they taste without needing to add butter to them. One thing I'm really focusing on is eating clean foods and staying away from processed foods as much as possible. I cook dinner each night so that I know exactly what's going into my body, and I make enough for lunch for the next day so that I'm not tempted to eat out.

 

The only thing that is a negative at this point is that for the past two weeks I haven't really felt like "myself" and I'm assuming that's because my body is still detoxing. What I mean is, I'll feel nauseous sometimes when I eat and I'll almost have to force myself to finish a meal... I don't know it's really weird and I just keep telling myself it's normal. When I feel like this, I usually try to go easy with myself and remind myself that these changes I've made so far are really huge. Sometimes I'll treat myself to a coffee or I'll eat a few of these chips that I've really been loving lately. I don't go crazy with those things like I used to, but I'll just have a small amount to kind of help when that yucky-nausea feeling creeps up every now and then and that's really been helping a lot. I really hope that goes away within the next few weeks... has anyone else out there experienced this ever??

 

I wanted to mention that while that has been a negative, I can really tell that the foods that I am eating are making me feel better in other ways. I've always gotten really, really bad headaches/migraines and was getting them several times a week.... and no joke I've only had ONE this month, and it was a pressure headache from the rain we were getting. Also, I had developed acid reflux, and this has totally disappeared and I haven't needed any of my medication for the whole month. I can deal with a little detox-induced nausea if it means that these health issues are gone for good!

Goals For The Upcoming Week:

I really want to continue to push myself in the gym. I was so excited about being able to run 2 miles back to back that I want to see how much further I can go. Also, I want to continue to stay active on the weekends and to continue to stay strong with my diet - I want to keep losing 2lbs per week!

 

A big thing that I realized this week (ok a huuuuge thing!) is that I haven't been craving cigarettes at all for two weeks now so I would like to continue to not smoke. Also, I've never been a big drinker but I think I've maybe had 1-2 alcoholic drinks this whole month and I really want to keep that going because they just add empty calories. What about you guys.... what are you doing to stay healthy??

*Workout Diaries is a weekly post that will track and monitor the progress that I am making as I attempt to lose 60 pounds. Please feel free to follow along and post your success stories or struggles in the comments section!